I haven't blogged in a while. Feels like forever really. I just spent a good hour catching up on all your blogs. I think I needed a break. I feel at times that I give myself into this blog and not enough energy into my husband. Sometimes I'm so focused on my grief that I forget that he too is hurting.
We spent some time this weekend really focusing on each other and what we needed. We got in some date dinners and a little exercise too. It felt good. Good to be with someone I love. It was nice to take time off being in this 'new normal' and just thinking about what goals hubs and I have.
I did however run into things that made me sad. Truth is...although I want a rainbow, I still get hurt with news of pregnancy and those with new babies. I paint on a smile with others watching but smack it off my face as soon as i'm alone. I don't want others thinking i'm not happy for them. I am happy for them...it's just that I am empty handed...I should have an 15 month old.
It's awful. I can't be 100% excited about others new babies and soon to be moms. I normally love to hear about such great news and ooh and awing over the bundle but now I shrink back and try to blend into the wall.
I hope that one day very soon it will be easier as they say. I hope that one day I can approach an expecting mother and talk about how fun it will all be. Don't get me wrong I AM happy for those who have lost a baby and get their rainbow...its the people who have not experienced loss, its the innocence, naive bliss, what was stolen from me that makes me sad. All I can do is HOPE even more.
Moving plans are still in the balance. We have yet to get boxes but hopefully by mid week we can get the ball rolling on the packing that must be done. I can't wait to get it all going. I think getting a fresh place will bring on a happier me. Maybe bring out part of the old me that was once me. I miss that me.
2 comments:
Glad you got some time with your husband. It is so easy to get caught up in what we are missing. I need to get better about that. Thank you for the reminder
Sometimes I step away too. Being in babyloss blogland can be overwhelming at times and I know there have been many times I've put myself in it too much and neglected my family and home. I'm better at balancing now.
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