Time ticking away slowly

Today I have a lot on my mind. Today I'm not sure I have the words to say what I feel.

Yesterday I noticed on my calendar that I am inching closer to the day that one year ago I first held TanaLee. I know this day will come but I dread the way it will make me feel. I already feel anxious over seeing the words on my calender. I get flash-backs of that day all the time. The way it made me feel to have my baby still in the hospital after three long months of torture, and still not even close to being home. I felt and still feel robbed. The fact that I didn't get to hold her first thing after her delivery via c-section...not hearing her cry.

I remember walking into the Nicu that day and seeing a crib out in the hallway and just telling hubs in a joking but serious kinda way..."wouldn't it be funny if that crib was for TanaLee?" After signing in at the front desk we approached TanaLee's isolation room (she had been infected with MRSA so even though she recovered, she was placed on isolation to be safe...personally I liked us having a private room instead of a pod area.) We dressed in the famous yellow paper gowns and slipped into the room. Nurse M. was on shift again and she told me the updates- and then spilled the words, "TanaLee is going to be moved to a crib today." My mouth dropped to the floor. I was told when the day comes to move her to a crib, someone must hold her while the nurses shift things in and out of the room and into place. I was told, "you can hold her." When I asked nurse M if I could hold her while they moved in the crib she sadly replied, I actually have an RT coming in to do that. Again I was in shock but added the disappointment of those words. I backed out of the room to allow the nurses and RT do their job as I stood watching from the door. Suddenly just as they were about to lift TanaLee from her bed so as to start the real part of the process, the RT turned to me and nurse M said, would you like to hold her? Tears fell like a landslide. I went from heart broken to go another day without holding my sweet little girl to shaking from excitement. Ladies this was one of the BEST days of my life, the day I had been waiting for since my childhood. I grabbed a chair and placed it as close to the ventilator as possible and the RT hand me my daughter for the first time. OVERWHELMED with a joy I never knew. That day was the 23rd of February and soon it will be a year since that day was last visited.

I look back with mixed emotions, mostly of sorrow because this year on the 23rd I will not be holding TanaLee.

Oh and did I mention that time seems to go so slowly now? It all seemed so fast yet slow when Tanalee was alive. Slow moving to get her healthy enough for home (or so I thought) and fast because in a blink of an eye she is no longer with us, only in our memory and hearts. I want to get on with things in my life but time just won't go with my minds pace. I have much that I want to accomplish this year but everything seems to be a waiting game.

Let's look at the bright side shall we, wait is there a bright side?

Well I guess I can be happy that most things are falling into place for hubs and I to hopefully move out ( currently living with the in laws due to TanaLee's early arrival and financial burdens that dropped on us.) and hopefully add a sibling for TanaLee. I have a dog that decided to rip open a box of toothpaste and chew it to bits...thankfully she didn't puncture too many holes in the toothpaste tube before I found her with it and threw it away. There that's the bright side.

Just so everyone knows....Hubs and I saw two rainbows (actual) within feet of each other that seemed to follow our car as we drove down the highway. I mean we could see the other side of the rainbow...if it was in front of a bush, we saw that bush with the rainbow transparently standing in front of it. Crazy and hard to explain exactly what we saw but it was beautiful. Rainbows have taken on a whole new meaning since June of 2010. I can only hope to try for a baby rainbow in my future.