March a month of endurance

Today is a day to reflect on my journey. Why today?

Through my grief and this never ending cycle of ache i'm seeing growth.

I feel that March is significant to me. It is the month TanaLee was sent to a new hospital and growth and jumping outside our comfort zone was necessary.

It was a whirlwind of change and unknowns. I look back on that time of my life and wonder what I might have done knowing what I know now. The importance is, not what I didn't know but that I now know what this journey is and how that will change everything I do in my future. I've learned a great deal in my struggle to love but let go. I fight off tears in a scattered way but they remain there as part of me. I dream bigger than I ever thought I would. With all this chaos its hard to think straight and remember what I need to do in that moment. I've survived, i'm making it down this road...its hard but its a road I must travel.

Strength- what really is strength? Is it the ability to hide what you feel or is the ability to open the flood gates of your mind and grieve without penalty & remorse?

My personal opinion of the definition of strength when in reference to the loss of a loved one is this- strength is not picking up and moving on, its looking at what happened and it being enough to be vulnerable and work through the relentless grief and surviving to tell the story. I believe that through the loss we suffer, we can make it a goal to survive and open the way for hope and a new normal. One that isn't about suffering but about remembering the experience and learning from it. Taking what we've seen and educating others. Sharing the story to open a way for others to not see the same sadness. Build a foundation for our babies to be remembered in various ways. To not grow silent. That is strength.

This road we must travel, not by choice but by unforeseen occurrence; will be one of endurance and of strength we do hold within. Believing in oneself is key to surviving a beautiful mess surrounding us. Torn and tattered but we endure the storm and continue in the names of our little ones and to hope again.

March is a month to be remembered. I hope for good reasons. The trend here is to try to build a happiness through my empty hands. To find the light at the end of the tunnel. To make my own happiness despite the growing gap between me and my first born. I can smile today because of my faith and because I want to do all I can to see the day the bible foretells at John 5:28, 29 when all those in the "memorial tombs" will be awakened to life. This may not be me every day, I still have my bad days but I once heard it said, "You make your own happiness." So for today, I've decided to be as happy as I can be and put my sadness in Jehovah's hands. To make the best of today for tomorrow will have its own anxiety.