Today is the start of our "pack up." I picked up some boxes and started to pack away un-needed idems and things so that in nine days I won't feel so scrambled. I turned on some music and BAM...
It hit me...I would eventually have to do the dreaded thing...
Pack up TanaLee's things.
When TanaLee past away I got a lot of advice and deeds done for me. One thing that was asked is if I should break down TanaLee's crib and remove her things from my sight. My stomach turned in knots at the thought of it. I had such joy putting it all together, how could I take it down; with tears and not happiness? I freak out at the thought, how am I going to survive taking it down? I don't want it touched let alone moved. It's one thing to put things in a neat corner its another to box it up and break it down. I know it must be done since we are moving and it has hopes for a new baby once we move. HOW-CAN-I-DO-THIS? It must be me and hubs alone to do it but I can't bring myself to feel okay with it.
I broke down for the first time in a while just thinking about it all. I cried like I lost her all over again. I regained my composer once I got the feeling that hubs had had enough. I always just feel like I'm an annoying, crying, babbling bird when I shed tears over my daughter. I hide what I feel so often just so that others can be more comfortable. I don't know why. I empower myself like the last blog and say that it's strength to show what you really feel. But who am I kidding? Its hard to show that strength when I so often feel like eyes are rolling and expectations are high for me to "recover" from my loss. I've said it a thousand times and I'll repeat it again, I will never recover from my daughters life being missing from mine. I will and started to except it for what it is and try to bring on a new normal and give way for joys to take over my life. We shall see how far I get as time goes by. I just know that now...times are tough and I'm missing my ladybug more than ever. I long to hold her and add to my family. I long to be a mother and feel joy like yester-year. Oh how I only pray this will happen for me and my family.
4 comments:
Thinking of you as you pack up to move... her life and her things will always be cherished. So sorry that you feel as though you have to hide your emotions to make others comfortable when you're going through this difficult time... but know that we're all out her for you xoxo
I can't imagine how trying to put away the crib must feel. I won't let my mind go there. I pray you find the strength to do it, but know that it's ok to cry. It's a sad, hard, crappy thing that no mother should ever have to do. Thinking of you!
Putting their stuff away is sooo difficult. Its like watching your hopes and dreams go right out the window. I follow your blog but for obvious reasons never seem to find time to comment. I wanted to thank you for all the kind comments. Hugs to you and your sweet TanaLee
I'm sure seeing her stuff will bring about a lot of emotions. ((hug))
Post a Comment