Revelation

I wanted to share with you all something that until recently didn't really sink in.

I was having a conversation with someone recently about TanaLee and her passing away. I talked about how much I miss her and hate that her life was cut short. This person that will go un-named was very kind and thoughtful with everything said. I will call this person B.

B asked me something that I have never been asked before. Something so thought provoking. It was this, " Did you ever pray for what was best for TanaLee?" In my mind I blurted out, Of COURSE! Every waking second of her life! In a polite manner I answered, "Yes." Then came words I never could have thought of nor expected. "Maybe TanaLee's death was the answer to your prayers." Initially I was thrown to my seat with such words. How could her death be an answer of my prayers...I prayed for her safety, her health, her LIFE. Then it really sunk in. When I prayed for her, I was also praying for myself. I prayed that I could continue to be a mother to this child. I swore that despite any obstacle that she may face, I could handle and help her through. It was selfish. Not in a bad way but nonetheless self. I with good intentions prayed for this little life to continue and prosper. I wasn't thinking about all that she really might/would face. Things that would be like mountains for not just Jeremy and I but for her. I was always thinking the words recorded at Matthew 17:20. I figured if I put my mind to it, TanaLee and I (family too) could move her mountains. This might have proved true, but was it really best for her?

Jehovah knows me better though. 1 John 3:19, 20- "...God is greater than our hearts and knows all things." Yes he knows the very number of hairs upon my head. (Luke 12;7) I realize Jehovah answers our prayers but not always in the way we hoped for. I am NOT saying that God took my daughters life or anything of the sort. I am saying that Jehovah allowed things to happen as they did because it was best for TanaLee and best for Jeremy and I at that time. He answered my repeated prayers for her safety and well being. We may not yet see exactly why it was best but we must hope in the creator and have faith in the promise we hold out for our precious girl. We must remain loyal and faithful to our beliefs and trust in what we know is soon to come.

Trust and hope are hard things to keep track of when your dealing with grief but Jesus is the great teacher and example for us. He taught us that we must have faith. He consoled Martha saying, "Your brother will rise." Jesus & his father will do this on a grand scale, bringing back our babies in the near future. Until then we must trust and put faith in that. Jesus foreshadowed this coming day and brought back a young girl that had died recorded in the bible book of Mark 5:41, 42 as well as many other accounts. We too can have this feeling of ecstasy if we come to know Jehovah, known as the the living God, a happy God; following in action what Jesus commanded and obeying. Yes we will see our babies again.

I understand that TanaLee is in the best place possible, God's memory and there she remains until she is brought back to life. It is difficult to truly be happy while she is gone but I know that now I don't have to worry for her and her battles or health that she might have faced. She is Safe.

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On another note: I took a moment to look back on some of my old posts and saw that I revealed some details about TanaLee's health (at the time) that since is not accurate. We once thought or should I say were told that TanaLee had a rare syndrome called Allagille Syndrome. After autopsy reports came back (months ago) she does not have this syndrome. Doctors and specialist alike have now turned to believing that Tanalee's liver failed not because of a syndrome but being premature and needing TPN (Total parenteral nutrition) that caused pretty much most if not all of her problems and eventual death.

This is cause for more irritation since it probably could have been prevented. You see there is something out there call Omegavan. It is very similar to TPN. It does after all support a preemie just the same, nutritionally. The difference that is biggest is this, Omega 3's instead of 6. Babies born as small and young as TanaLee was, cannot break down these fats as well like older babies. Long story short Omegavan is not fully FDA approved and it it only used for "compassionate use." FDA view's it as an experimental drug if you will. TPN has shown in preemies to be toxic to organs (liver primarily) if given over an extended amount of time. Omegavan has not shown harmful effects as of yet. So at any rate I have done research about this topic and find it ridiculous that Omegavan is not on the mass use in Nicu's. I am not about to pretend that I know everything or that I am a Doctor because I am not. If you would like to see what research I have done...visit http://newsletter.vitalchoice.com/e_article000616701.cfm?x=b11,0,w or type in Omegavan in Google (there are loads of good results and studies being done with this nutritional supplement). Studies are being done in European countries as well as in our neck of the woods Boston, MA and Texas. Please help bring awareness to this topic, I would love to see FDA change their opinions on this matter, it could save a preemie.

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