What do you say?

No one can prepare you for how you will react or feel after you loose your child. You can write the story of what you would do a thousand times but the reality of when it does hit you, you likely would have never imagined the reaction before or after the loss you give to the world.

For me it was my first child. It honestly doesn't matter though any number 2 or even 5th child would be hard.

Over the last 9 months, 3 weeks, and one day I have pondered how "I should act" and how I do act after loosing my first born. The truth is, there is no wrong or right way to act. It is different for everyone. Some take their whole lives to grieve, others a matter of months. The love for the lost is the same but the outlook and personality are different. Thus the process can take you in different directions, swinging you into a loop of depression or out to a brighter horizon...it can even pull you in two directions at once...there is no right way to grieve.

I have to come to grips with this fact. I tell myself that this is true but sometimes I go with the flow of what the "world" views as enough and are you finished? I am not saying that I am through grieving, i'm not sure I will ever be fully. I am in a place that slowly I can enjoy my life and see that "brighter day" on the horizon. With saying that, I am STILL sensitive to certain things.

*ACTIONS

*COMMENTS (verbal)

What do you say to a person, (who knows you've lost your baby) disregards all things and says,

"Oh my goodness, so and so is pregnant!" or "Did you get the text message with so and so's new baby picture from the hospital?" or "Your not pregnant, what's it to you?"

What do you say?

{These pictures were taken 10 days before TanaLee was born.}

{7 days before I was hospitalized.}

{So small but a fighter that wouldn't give up}.

{All because she loved her mommy and daddy.}

Is it okay that I just stare blankly and later when no one is around silent tears fall down? Is it fare that I can't look at the pregnant world without feeling so empty and want what they have. Is it even right for me to be sensitive to new babies that enter this world?

I am sensitive of these things. I can't explain it much except for the fact that my daughter no longer lives. I didn't get the giant belly and sore back like so many complain about. I never felt the excitement from a baby shower. These things I am sensitive to.

I never in a million years would have thought the death of my child would take place nor did I ever think the impact and toll it would have on my emotions making them so strong. That was then, this is now.

I have lost my daughter and I miss her with every breath to my lungs. My arms ache to feel her in them.

I keep my emotions in check for the most part. I am working on not being so disgusted with the cheap plate that was handed to me in life. I am working on being comfortable with the sweet and delicate lives that have recently come into the world. I am working on getting the courage to hold these little bundles and not feel like my heart is about to explode and my blood pressure is through the roof. I am working on taking each moment of this life I have and using it to help others. I am working on creating the better me, giving back to the husband I love and not making him feel like the women he married was shipped off to some SiFi movie crap. I am working on being a mother to a child I lost and being happy to continue our family soon even though fear and stress can consume me at times.

So tell me, what do you say when you feel like I do?

*Keep in mind that this post was NOT directed to anyone who may read this blog, this is just simply my feelings out loud....not about any of you, family or not.*