today's blog post isn't so exciting nor is it as happy and cheerful. Though the sunshines brightly outside on this beautiful spring day, I am dark and rainy on the inside today.
There's nothing like waking up to a gorgeous sunny morning. I however woke up alone. Not that this is too unusual due to hubs working a lot and early mornings. But today I felt especially alone. It is said that the weather effects your moods and can even bring on happiness. Today the weather isn't helping me despite its glorious rays of sun and light breeze.
A fellow blogger asked a question I often try to block. No, this is not a post to complain about this question....I do love this fellow blogger....but the question drew up the fat TRUTH of my life. TanaLee would be a year and a half. She would be changing still and giving me something to cherish and love. I sit today a stay at home (at the moment) wife, a mother but no children to chase or play with. A women who feels at any moment her life could come crumbling around her as it has before. I keep myself busy these days cleaning, cooking, occasional crafting, and trying to be a better wife and women to society. With all this, life is so empty.
Lately I have been thinking a lot about how I can better myself. I started to join in on different activities such as a hike up to a waterfall yesterday or watch my niece give a part in a chorus play. Both of these things made me smile.
Reaching the top of the waterfall made me feel accomplished. Yes, the very top...in the picture where the water begins to fall...I hiked to there.
As I stood watching the water steadily fall down hill and crash at the bottom, atop rocks of earth reminded me how powerful creation is a yet in an instant life can change. At the bottom of "life" sits fallen pieces of earth that once sat nestled in the hillside. I stood over looking over it all in wonder and appreciation...I was one of those pieces of earth. I lost part of me just like the hillside. * This might not make sense but it is what I thought about*
(For confidentiality reasons & respect for my sister in law, my niece is not pictured above)
*Just some of the kids that also participated in the show *
I hurried to my seat in the auditorium waiting for the show to begin. There she was nervous and yet so put together in her little outfit matching the rest. A cute little puppy with a fire hat on. I could not have been more excited for the show. She did great. They had practiced this all year. Tonight my niece shined and sparkled above the rest, why? Because she's mine. She a member of my family. I saw her on the stage and focused in on her...she stole the show for me.
When the show ended I thought about how much I would one day love to help ready my child for a performance. How excited I would be to say, "That's my baby!" I yearn to mother. I miss that TanaLee could never grow up to do these things. I know that one day she will be given a chance to grow again...but now is what I miss. She missed out. We missed out.
These events were worth going to, don't get me wrong. Its just the ugly thoughts that pop in my head from time to time that I can't control. I would do any of these things again because I throughly enjoy them. I just have over whelming moments of missing TanaLee and wanting to be apart of the "living" mommy club. The joy that comes from being a parent and watching your child do new things...watching them continue to change. For me TanaLee is the same. In this world she will never be older. She will never have had a voice. She was a baby that was hospitalized from the beginning and that's what she will always be until Jehovah makes "all things new."(Revelation 21: 4,5)
So now my life is about doing household chores/wifely duties and subtracts the mommy part for now. I hope someday soon that will change. I hope someday for a miracle to take place. To give me a chance to fulfill a deep desire to parent and give TanaLee something one day she can appreciate. For my dear husband to father as he had originally wanted. For us to enjoy life to the full. Then on the day of TanaLee's resurrection we will have all life's purposes and God will fill our lives and others too until there is no more want. ( Malachi 3;10)
5 comments:
Such a beautiful and thoughtful post... sorry you're feeling as though life is empty at the moment. You are a very special mum to TanaLee and will to your future children too. Your thoughts about the waterfall are so true.... thinking of you over the Easter w/end. Love always xoxo
I hate/love thinking about things Jack would have done, but can't. I say hate, because they make me sad. And love, because I would have loved to have seen him do any of these things. hmm
Thinking of you.
I know how you feel. Our babies are all frozen in time. Sorry you're feeling sad.
thanks for your comments on my blog :) to answer your question (I'm too lazy to email!)... when asked if this is my first pregnancy/first children... I normally say that this is my second pregnancy, that our first bron passed away in November of 2009. :)
I've had days like that where the sun is shining but I feel rainy on the inside.
I love the picture of the waterfall. *hugs*
Post a Comment