Today I was sitting in the Kingdom Hall and I couldn't help but think about babies since one was sitting behind me. Earlier this morning Jeremy brought out a coat for me to wear since it was cold. That coat is much to big for me and he asked me why I keep it. The only thing I could think is maybe one day that coat will fit when I'm happily pregnant and round. This is sad to me because I really want to experience things like a real pregnant belly and waddling when I walk ect..lol I regret fearing stretch marks when I was pregnant with TanaLee. Now I'd do anything just to have um..Seems funny because most women hate that stuff. Now I just want it. I want the WHOLE package...everything at least the healthy stuff.
I also got to thinking about when that time comes...me having a second child. What a baby shower would be like..will I be happy? Would I be sad only wishing I was still with TanaLee. I thought about if and when that time comes making a special t-shirt to honor both the new baby and my sweet TanaLee.
This just kills me to think about this because I will never have TanaLee to share with her the joys of being a big sister. I used to always think about getting her a shirt that says "I'm a big Sister." *sigh*
Okay another thought was that TanaLee was "our sunshine". We would sing to her that song, you are my sunshine. The storm happened and she fell asleep in death and if Jeremy and I have more children those babies would be my rainbows. What a sad but happy thing...I get a rainbow a remind me of the love we have for TanaLee but also sadness because we won't have her now.
*Sigh* Okay...anybody now what I'm feeling?
(oh tomorrow I should have results from genetics concerning my kidneys. Closer to finding out what happened to our ladybug and if it can be prevented for future babies.)
1 comments:
I totally get what you are saying. I just posted on another post of yours but I wanted to let you know Im a new follower. I have been a BLM (baby lost mama) since my daughter died in march of 2007. The BLM community has been so encouraging to me and is the only group of women that understand what I am going through. I see you mentioned the kingdom hall in your post... Im a jw too. I had yet to been a jw blm and Im so happy I found you. Its like connecting on a whole new level. We are now sisters not only in the spiritual sense but now in the child loss community. Anyway I hope that I can get to know you better and offer any encouragement I can. HUGS mama <3
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