Thinking Back

This morning I woke up to a clouded sky and ate a slice of toast and sliced pears.

This kind of breakfast is what I would like to call a skinny or slim breakfast. Just enough to fill you but not so much that you feel guilty.

My breakfast took me back to when I was weeks into my pregnancy and just not able to hold much down. My husband suggested that I try toast but I wanted pears..so I had both. It was a tradition well after TanaLee was born. If only things like this didn't bring on sadness, unfortunately they do...all the time.

I think back to a place when my life was more complicated then it had ever been but some how it was normal and comfortable. You know the kind of sadness that bring on tears when you think about it? That happy but crazy place your mind lived in while you walked away from the hospital empty handed. Yeah, that is the place I go to in my memories from time to time.

I read something that I thought was really smart and so simple but somehow feels so hard when your dying to hold your baby. It said, "Why wait? No one will make your happiness you have to make it yourself." I think back to this and tell myself, yeah no more crying...you've cried plenty now pick yourself up and have a great day. problem is, is that its easier said then done. Especially when your loss was great and not to long ago.

Reading scripture is very helpful. Before my daughter I would have considered myself one that respects life. But once things changed for my daughters health I became much more appreciative and thanked God for every moment with her. I knew that death is not the end, it is just the end of that persons life in a wicked world. Never before had I understood how painful a life lost would be until I lost Tanalee. I have read the account in the bible that talks about Jesus final days on earth, his death and his resurrection a million times. Every time thinking how sad it must have been to witness a murder of a man who was innocent. I never thought about how it must have been for Jehovah to witness his son die for people who hated him. I never thought about the pain that God must have felt to see his son cry out in extreme pain, not until TanaLee died. I feel now more then ever that God can understand exactly how I feel because he too suffered the death of his son, resurrected him and gave him a people he would soon rule over. The nice thing is that what God did for his son Jesus, ressurecting him after death will be on a much grander scale.