Last night I spent time talking with Jeremy after he got home from work. I had spent most of my evening alone and thinking about our little girl. After Jeremy came home I just wanted to hear about his day and tell him about some songs I listened to.
Things quickly went from just talking to crying as I held onto what was left off our little girl. Her urn that is. I haven't even thought about holding it since we brought her home. To me this normally would seem a little morbid. For what ever reason I held it, brought it over to my bed and carefully laid it on my abdomen. For the first time I realized the empty feeling of "no more and never in this crazy world." I wanted to hold my daughter but I couldn't not without a box that kept her inside. I wanted to lay my daughter down between my husband and I but instead looked over at him with a grief stricken face and tears rolling down because this will never happen in this world.
Memories of times past, holding my little girl for the first time in her life back in February. That was the most incredible feeling in the world. It took four months to finally do that. Soon after Jeremy and I would hold her as often as we could. Memories like these are bitter sweet because now that is all they will be, memories. I find hope knowing that soon my grief will be behind me because soon I will reunite with my Ladybug and Jeremy and I will have our family once again. We must remain loyal to our God and soon we will see TanaLee again.
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