First Genesis came

Okay so I blogged a post already....but I felt I needed to post about my niece too.

My nieces name is Genesis. She is a special little baby that was born into my family in September of 09'. This sweet baby was thought to be perfectly healthy. She was born full term and she gave my sister no complications during her pregnancy with her. I assumed because my sister had a worry free pregnancy that I too would have nothing to worry about. I was sorely wrong on that assumption.(http://www.facesofloss.com/2010/10/felicia-mom-to-tanalee-born-november.html#more)

To add to my scrambled thoughts tonight. When Genesis was born I was the first to cry and the last to stop crying. I was so excited that I was an aunt and my sister was finally having a real joyful moment. I was pregnant with TanaLee at the time so that might have been part of the reason..hormones...well that night all I could think about was how amazing life is and how powerful a birth could really be. It was the first time I had ever been in a labor and deliver room while someone was in labor. It scared me but I felt so blessed to experience such a huge moment with my sister. Genesis's birth prepared me for what was to come...well at least at the time what I thought would come three months later. I feel guilty because I couldn't be much of an aunt after TanaLee was born because TanaLee was so sick and preemie...then sent to Seattle for new scarier things. Now I can't even be an aunt because of my grief.

Well at any rate shortly after TanaLee died, my sister took Genesis to a wellness check up with her pediatrician. The doctors discovered that Genesis had a heart defect, for now I will not even try to explain every detail since even I don't know all the facts. But it basically is a valve that leaks blood back into her heart that forces her heart to work harder. This defect also makes her have a difficult time trying to gain weight. The cause or reason for this defect is still unknown. (It doesn't run in my side of the family)

Anyway- Genesis is probably going to have another surgery later this month. I'm on a bed of needles because this is a very risky surgery and should not be taken lightly. How on earth am I supposed to heal from the loss of my child when I'm not even able to focus on healing. I'm constantly worried about my relatives health now and kinda tunnel visioned on my own rainbow thoughts...what kinda junk is this? I have to say, I'm amazed that to this day I have managed to stay away from prescriptions for anxiety( not that there is anything wrong for those of you that need them.) and depression with the kinda load I carry day after day. Well this post is not about me...hello its about Genesis- She is a sick little girl with a gorgeous face and spunky personality. Please keep her in your prayers and thoughts this month.