Growing old-

We all age. Many of us have thought about it. But here's a lingering question that has haunted me,

How will I age as a women who lost a baby? Will people look at my life since as a pity party? Or be encouraged and say my story has touched them. As a young child I pictured what my life would be, I could picture myself getting married, having children but that's were it stopped. I can't picture myself growing old. I'm now in my 20's, so yes i'm still getting older but I still cant picture myself old. I look in the mirror and see how the last two years especially have aged and scared my face but still I cant see it...not as a 50-70 year old women. I have always had this "joke" about how I was gonna die young b/c my upbringing wasn't the best. But something scares me- I now have PKD (now know about it) This as you would have read here is potentially life threatening if not properly monitored. The fact that I can't picture myself old really bothers me b/c I wonder if I will indeed die young. I'm not saying here that I can possibly predict my future or anything...I'm just saying that it bothers me.

How will my life turn out as a whole. Will I ever have any more children as desired? Will I forever live in the world of no children of my own?

I don't know the answers to these questions but it has been on my mind. I am afraid to grow old not b/c my hair will turn grey or because I may not see as I once did. I am afraid of the unknown. I don't want my life to result in a care home with little to look back on and be happy. I don't want my husband to be bitter b/c he has no photos of a child he raised with me. We deserve to be parents and live a life that was well worth it and experience the joys that God has purposed. Have any of you thought about this? Have you worried about how your loss will age you? Please comment and tell me about your thoughts.

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A update on my last post...

Genesis went into surgery yesterday starting at 9:30am once she was successfully hooked up to the bypass machine. After a long wait (actually much quicker than Dr's anticipated) about 3-4 hours we got word that surgery went well, her heart valve had minimal leakage and that as long as the surgery procedure holds up she may never need another surgery and may get off her heart meds. This was a huge load off our backs...we had been told they might have to replace her valve all together. They instead were able to repair her own valve and use her tissues alone.

She is expected to get off the ventilator and wean off the suppressants they have her on to keep her from pulling away the tubes on and in her chest. They are also hoping to start feeding her again. I am so happy that things have worked out as nicely as they have. Genesis has been through one surgery prior to this one for the same thing but they contrast big time. I will update as time and energy allow. Thank you for all those of you who prayed and kept Genesis in your thoughts.