Since I have been home from Seattle these walls have taken on a new meaning. The objects have become more precious and the pain ever raw. The crib stands as I try and keep up with the ever falling dust. The conversations at times just blend together with no importance to me...not anymore. Going in public with its eye closely watching my next move, mothers talk to me as though I have never carried a infant and bonded in the deepest way..all of this can become to much. Today it was a burden that I couldn't bare so today I will expose my inner feelings that no one knows but Jehovah and me.
I laid in my usual spot in my bed, face turned to the left to see a familiar sight. The object I so longed to spin the timer to lull my baby girl to sleep to the light sound of twinkling music. That timer has never been spun for that Ladybug of mine. That crib has never cradled the baby that I brought into the world on a November morning. Tears of joy turned into tears of fear, anguish, and ultimately guilt, bereavement and emptiness. A look into my private journal to my little girl.
Tuesday Jan. 18, 2011
My dearest TanaLee,
I find myself starring past the crib at the shadow of your mobile. I lay here struck by the grief that takes over my mind just after viewing some ultrasound pictures from "our" experience before you were born. When will I truly be happy again? When will I look at things that remind me of you and not make me think about how your missing in my life? These questions I ask myself daily. Today I saw your memory in objects and people but missed your physical being.
Today tests were completed and blood was drawn but without absolute answers. Tonight daddy prepares for a long day of "ride along's" for his EMT training. I lay here writing my thoughts down on paper fighting the tears I know will flood my night sooner rather then later.
Baby girl, I really try very hard to be strong and I'm trying to except this so called "normal" but its not something I want nor do I want to dwell in but its something I can't change for it already is. Today is a wet and rainy day and I'm crumbling from the inside out. The truth is....
I'm missing you, wanting to hold you, talk about what great things you are over coming to my friends...wishing you were here to say the most delightful words, "mommy and Daddy." As much as I wish it were, it will not be in this world. I have a hope that I hold so dear but your absence leaves me fragile still. Tonight my ladybug mama is crushed in the heart. I miss you sweet babe,
Love, Mama
XOXO
2 comments:
I still look at things of my Carleigh's and see what is missing and it still hurts. I think we have to live with that the rest of our lives.
I can so often remember looking at the blank wall where Bethany's cradle was and my heart would break that she was not there. I could imagine all the moments I was missing with her. It took me months to begin going in her nursery and begin going through her things. I think like Holly said, we will always have moments, forever, where we imagine our lives with them and our hearts break that they are not here....
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