So my last few days haven't been to happy but tonight just sent me over the edge.
I got off work this evening and felt as though my stomach would eat my insides if I didn't feed it soon. So I had the bright idea to go to a close restaurant. Well I decided to do this since hubs is on call which means he can be called into work and stay there until a certain time. Tonight was a trigger night. Started with three pregnant women passing me to leave the restaurant. We get seated and after just ten or so minutes a new baby in a car seat is placed within inches of me. To make matters harder the two couples (one being the parents) spent the duration of our meal gushing over the baby and their experience with labor ect. I will say most days I can put on a smile and deal with this. But let me just say that despite my smile I can't truly be happy for these people. They have a baby and it lives effortlessly and that's nothing to hate on but it stings like heck when you are bulldozed with that fact that you suffered with your child for months with a tragic end. They get to live freely. You are chained to the past that will forever stalk you.
I have extreme amounts of difficulty with this because I have been TTC'n for over a year with no results. I have lost my first child. I have emptied my heart and soul only to stagger back to my chain to the past. Hating what I was cheated of and missing what I don't have. Telling myself the whole way that I could have dealt with the difficult parts if only things were different.
Aside from my challenge everyday to continue I have been reduced to living in my memories and trying to make new ones. Both failing sorely lately. Heart swelling for hope and continued zeal in my journey. This mama is hurting tonight. Tomorrow will be another day and hopefully something positive will come to light. Hugs mama's I'm thinking of you always, I have had you all in my prayers and hope only the best in your coming days. If you are like me and TTC'n, what do you do to keep up your zeal? If you are a mama of a rainbow, what do you enjoy most of having this blessed journey? May your days be filled with hope and renewed love to surround you.
~Felicia
Fall
12 years ago
8 comments:
I'm so sorry it's a rough(er) time right now. Thinking of you <3
I'm sorry you had to deal with that. I've found some of these interactions have gotten easier (gentler?) since I'm nearly due with my rainbow, and so I hope your ttc works out for you doon. Grief is of course never far around the corner, and I suspect it always will be. I get the resentment and envy of those who have living babies, it's a constant struggle. Hugs momma
When we were in the early stages of trying to figure out what was wrong and why I couldn't get pregnant, I hated leaving the house. I started running errands later in the day because I knew little babies were in bed. I hated those moms with their babies out running errands. I kept my head down and ran through as fast as I could. I wish I had some sort of great advice, but I don't really. Its hard. I think the most important thing is to let yourself have bad days and to not feel bad about them. It's ok to be mad and sad. I felt like once I let myself feel those feelings they didn't bother me as much.
Having a rainbow has definitely helped me deal with pregnant women and new babies, but it doesn't make how naive and happy most of them are sting any less. I find myself jealous of that and hate that losing Adelyn has stolen that from me. I still have a hard time around baby girls, since my rainbow is a boy. I will just always long to have one more little girl to dress up and do sister things with my oldest. Hugs to you....I hope you conceive your rainbow soon. That can only be adding to your heartache, I have heard that every month that you don't get pregnant can be like grieving all over again :(
i do understand how you feel. it took us 7 mo to get pg with our rainbow, and each day was so painful. it seemed like everyone in the world was pg or having a baby when i had just lost mine. being pg with also difficult, but i tried to take it 1 day at a time. now that our rainbow is here, i find it a bit easier to breathe. she helps me find a reason to get out of bed each day, but i'm still completely filled with anxiety. so i try my hardest to soak up every single moment with her.
i'm praying for you, and hoping that gentler days are ahead. sending lots of love...
I am so sorry that things are tough right now. I hope that your TTC journey is going to come to an end very soon. I cannot wait to see you holding your rainbow baby - they bring so much happiness that you never knew you could feel again after the loss of your child. I am definitely thinking of you and hoping that things go in the direction that you want. ((Hugs))
I wish you didn't have to deal with that.. esp at such a rough time. As someone who's lost a baby and struggling with IF, I know what you mean about losing your zeal and not knowing how to get it back. I wish I had words of wisdom. I wish that I could recommend something that's helped me... but I'm afraid that the only thing I know that works for me is remembering to just take one step at a time and pamper myself every once in awhile :) Love to you always xo
I think all of us a mommas deal with this and it's nothing to be ashamed of. I spent 2 days in the hospital after my c-section. That was the worst 2 days. If I heard a baby cry, I sobbed. I had a lactation consultant bring in a fake baby to teach me how to breastfeed (quick class for a pump) and I sobbed like a baby. I couldn't hold the baby. I couldn't watch her. My mom cried with me. Then finally, after begging them that I wanted out of the hospital to see my son, I finally made it. I got up to his room. I had tears down my face and I made my way to his bed. His nurse came up and I feel to the floor. I was mad. She was PREGNANT in a NICU unit. I was absolutely mad.
Now... even though it seems it was just yesterday. I still stare down people who are pregnant. I still stare at babies. My sister always tells me she thinks I'm going to steal the little kids I see because I just stare. Some people might think its rude or might not understand, but they don't realize how lucky they are to be carrying that baby around. I know exactly how you feel. I feel that pain every day and I don't think it will ever go away. Just remember, you have an amazing little angel. And remember that it's okay to cry. Email me if you ever need to! I check my email more than anything.
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