As I stepped into the shower this morning and let the water hit my skin I was reminded of every inch of my body missing TanaLee. I hoped to wash away all of the hurt and ache to be needed. The song "Inside these lines," by Trent Dabbs played in my mind. Its funny how a song could have nothing to do with loss of a child but could jog your mind anyway. It reminds me of the LINES that I have drawn to protect myself from the sting of life without her...how my husband has done the same. How life for us as a family and couple has changed so. Drawn lines to distinctly block out what our reality is. We surround ourselves with hope but its all a thin layer and anything can slash it to nothing.
Talking about TanaLee is easier then before but nonetheless a challenge at times. Spring is here and its a time when the Earth renews itself and allows everything in it to really breath and it all seems so ALIVE. I feel half way in the grave at times. People say that I'm brave and how they don't think they could ever do it. There is this quote I saw, "It sucks you know. When everything is doing fine then, it all crashes again. And the worst part is, I really don't want to put it all back together again. But I have to." So darn it I'll use duck tape...works every time. Its so easy for some to say but if they really could know what its like and then to fail at every attempt to regain a precious child in your life then they would see just how burned my heart is.
The annoying lump that sits in my throat every time I see children her age. The silence has to be broken at some point right? May it please be the Heavens that drop the sound of little feet pressing my carpet calling mommy. Can that be my new reality? I have learned a lot in this time...can I learn to be a real mommy now?
If your still reading at this point, I'm proud of you because even I might have just shut the computer off on that last note. I don't want this read to be a whole waste of time kinda feel so what else could I talk about?
Well I brought up spring. How about I turn this on you. Blog about what Spring means for you. Does it revive you? Talk about if it reminds you of your babies and make sure to include a photo if you can. Comment here to let me know you did it and I'd like to see your response to the subject. Thanks,
~Felicia
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