Today is the day I have decided to write once again about my baby girl TanaLee.
My eyes swell with tears thinking that it has been so long since I have written on this blog. So incredibly long since I have held my baby in my arms. Cried with tears of joy and not of pain.
My arms remain heavy without her in in them. Heart loaded with guilt, Did I do all I could? Was the decisions I made best for her at that time? I have kept myself busy with a puppy that numbs my pain for a moment and activities that I'm not sure make any sense. I have pondered the questions whether I was a good mom. I live with a hope for her future yet I feel no happiness. Just numb to the world around me. A endless fog until another baby cries out. Then my mind races and my heart beats faster. I go back to the day I lost my first and so far only baby.
Today was a decent day. One without much emotion, just sort of lived in every moment. I recently got a job. I hope that now is a good time to go back to work, and wont end up being a stress maker. I haven't started working yet but the first day is approaching quickly. I guess I will have to see how I do. Like it or not I have to work to support my husband and myself. I guess its time to lauph maybe even heal. I think I will be in this pain for a long time but maybe it will just ease itself from time to time. I should enjoy life, TanaLee would like that.
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